Thanks to give.

Every year on Thanksgiving, people flood their social media thankful for “family and friends” and whatever else they are “blessed” with this holiday season. I’ve typically steered away from doing things like that. It’s too phoned in for me, so I always tell people individually that I’m thankful for them. I usually pick a person that I’m either newly thankful for, so has made a significant impact on me that year.

This year I’m thankful for more than usual, so here we go. One is my job that allows me to pay my bills most importantly, but also get to see and experience things I never thought I would. I often complain about it because it’s just plain not easy. Those closest to me know what I deal with day in and day out, but when it comes down to it, I am pretty lucky.

I am beyond grateful for the newest addition to my life this year. My life is richer for having him in it. Every day I can count on him to make me laugh, listen to me vent, and be able to relate to all the challenges and triumphs no matter how big or small. I sometimes wonder what I did right for him to be brought into my life, but I can’t even express how thankful I am for it. It couldn’t have happened at a better time. Many people wait a lifetime for a friend they can count on like I can with him, and I am so lucky to have already found that. I can’t wait for all there is to come this next year!

I’m thankful for the renewal of my friendship with my other person. Having her move away was difficult and I miss her every day. Despite not having seen her for what seems like an eternity, I feel like we’ve reconnected this year. I’m so thankful I had a friend like her to get me through college, but even more thankful that neither of us will let distance break that bond. 

And as always, I’m thankful for my mom and dad. They are so supportive as I continually try to be more independent. I couldn’t do it without them. Having a friend that doesn’t get to experience this makes me even more thankful for what I have. They did something right raising me. I can’t imagine my life without them.

I have an incredible network of family and friends that I don’t get to see very often, but I know they are always there. They were spread even farther apart this year, but they remain close to my heart.

That’s about as sappy as I can be this year. I’ve already cried twice writing this. It’s time to get ready to go spend the day with the part of the family we got to choose. I’ll be giving my favorite little girls extra special hugs when I see them. Hope everyone takes a moment to count their blessings this Thanksgiving.

 

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Just a quick epiphany.

I’m sitting at work on my lunch break letting my mind wander as I’m supposed to be writing my bio for the company website… being forced to write about myself and my accomplishments really makes you think. Of course, I glance at Facebook at see a timeline full of statuses about engagements, wedding planning, weddings, anniversaries and babies. Typically, I would fall into a depression and start with the “woe is me” and “when is my life going to begin?” NOT TODAY! No. Today I’m thinking to myself how lucky I am that I’m not tied down to anything outside of my job. If I decided that I wanted to move to be closer to my wonderful friends, I could do it. If I want to pick up and start a new life in a new state, no one can stop me. It’s actually really freeing to think about. I feel like a major life decision is coming before I hit 28. I’m reprioritizing my life and really weighing out what and who means the most to me. I haven’t ruled out anything for my future. But I’m finally starting to understand and accept that I don’t need anyone but my friends and family’s support to make me happy.

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New Year. Another fresh start.

It’s amazing to go back and read through the past year and see how far I’ve come. It really is interesting to see the difference a year makes. I started 2012 without a job and at the heaviest weight I’ve ever been. It was in truth, one of the more difficult years of my life, but one of the most memorable.

My search for a job was one of the most trying times of my life. Much of it was well documented here, but I’ve never felt more low than I did during that time. It lasted well throughout my part-time job, because I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. So for 11 months of the year, I was battling every day.

But then the most amazing thing happened.. I stumbled onto a career in the entertainment industry. I found myself losing weight and enjoying exercise. I finally started feeling like myself again. All the heaviness of everything I had been dealing with started to fall away.

I’m starting 2013 as light as ever. I have so much I want to accomplish in every aspect of my life. I’m looking forward to this year and facing all the challenges that will come my way. I feel like my life has finally begun!

So I have a few more minutes left on this first day of 2013 and it’s time I make some resolutions.

1. Continue my journeyfor30. I’m half way there!
2. Do more things in Dallas, alone or not, get out there! Enjoy the city.
3. Save 10% of every paycheck.
4. Take conscious moments to appreciate how far I’ve come both professionally and emotionally.
5. Get involved in the running community more. 5Ks and beyond!

And as always cherish loved ones.

To 2013 being the best year yet!

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Christmas Time.

The holidays have always been a bittersweet time for me. Well not always. As a kid, the holidays were the best. You get out of school, get a ton of gifts, not responsible for anything but being a kid.

These days the holidays bring up a lot of other emotions. There’s still the excitement of seeing family, giving and receiving gifts, and of course food. But the holidays always bring up other thoughts and emotions. You tend to recap the year. Look back at what you accomplished, what you didn’t, and everything in between. I’m unimaginably lucky to have finally found the career of my dreams. I seriously paid my dues for this one, but it paid off far and away more than I could have possibly thought. I didn’t even know to dream up a job like this with so much potential ahead of me.

I managed to start really making progress on my Journey for 30. I’m 18 pounds in and going strong. (Except not right now with Christmas cookies and what not.) I finally had my wrist surgery and fully recovered. I even moved into my very first apartment that I absolutely love! I made a lot of new friends that I hope to have for a very long time. Seems everything is starting to align for me after years of feeling hopeless.

As for the bitter part of bittersweet, it’s seeing couple after couple get engaged, celebrate anniversaries, announcing babies, buying homes… you get the point. It seems like it’s the last piece of the puzzle for me. That last little piece that either wasn’t put in the box or was eaten by the dog… I feel like I’m almost there, but that hole keeps staring me right in the face. Incomplete. The good news is that my puzzle is more complete than it ever has been before, which makes the blow of every engagement a little less devastating.

One thing I really need to work on is having patience. This year has shown me, if nothing else, things will work themselves out if given time. I’ve removed people from my life that brought me down and found wonderful people who are nothing but supportive and gracious. I can’t wait to spend another year embracing the people in my life and working diligently to further to my career.

Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year! Until then!

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Stuck in a serious rut.

Lately, things have been going from tough to impossible. Having three jobs paying me sparingly and I thought that was challenging is nothing compared to what I’m going through now. I’ll be very honest, I’m making about 40% of what I have since I moved out on my own. My sitting jobs are non-exisitent, my sales have gone from $10,000 every two weeks to about $3,500, so I won’t be getting any commission. I’m making minimum wage and I only work about 35 hours a paycheck. You can do the math. That is my sole source of income. It’s not enough to even pay my rent. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do. We’re heading into the holidays and I can’t afford to pay my bills much less buy a single Christmas gift. It’s an impossibly dark place to be. I’ve been stretching myself so thin doing all these other jobs for no pay just to try to further my career. None of it is working. I’m still making minimum wage at part-time hours with no other paying jobs.

I’ve been trying to distract myself with exercise and my weight-loss goals. You can probably guess that even that is failing me. I’ve written about those challenges on my journeyfor30 blog. I just feel like I’m failing in every single aspect of my life. I don’t know how to turn things around, or if I even can. It’s a place I never expected to fall into, and now I don’t know how to get out. Crushing debt from student loans, a dead-end job, and the obvious stress that gives me nightmares every night are becoming too much to handle. How do I try to stay positive when I can’t find a ray of hope?

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Update time.

I’m back! So much has changed since my last post. I’m stunned I haven’t been here to unleash all these crazy thoughts and emotions running through this head of mine. I’ve needed an outlet through it all. I’ve had some moments boil over, but right now I’m just feeling very unbalanced. I thought getting on and working through it all in a different forum may help.

First things first, I have a couple of jobs and my own apartment now. I hate my main job, but it pays the bills. I love living by myself, and my apartment is perfect. I’m doing what I have to do to make ends meet, but recently it’s not seeming to be enough. I work on commission, which I would never recommend to anyone. It’s one thing to be paid a decent base plus commission, but I don’t get that. I work for minimum wage with a bogus commission scale. My pay and hours are completely unpredictable, which is becoming a major problem as my student loan payments are coming up due. My second job cut all of my hours this month, so making the bills this time around is going to be a challenge.

So not only is the job itself not great, but mixed with the commission scale and unpredictability, I’m on my feet ALL day with very few breaks. I didn’t rack up thousands of dollars in student loans and earn a bachelor’s degree to deal with these kind of conditions. It’s frustrating to work so hard for so little. I’ve been continually applying for other jobs, and I’m well over 110 applications at this point. I’ve had some interviews, but no offers. Every rejection digs a little more at my core. I’m stuck. It’s a dark place to be, especially trying to deal with it myself. I never wanted to have to ask for help once I got out on my own. Working in the industry I do, makes me very aware of how lonely I am. When I already am not a fan of my job, that realization clearly doesn’t make things any easier.

I managed to make it to Colorado for my cousin’s wedding last weekend. It was so nice to get out of Texas and away from my dead-end job for a few days. It’s amazing how at home I feel there. More and more of my family seem to be heading that direction, so I think it’s inevitable I’ll end up there soon. Another bright spot is meeting some of the great people at my job that I hope will be in my life for a long time.

I still can’t keep my mind from racing a million miles a minute these days. I’ve been waiting to hear back from a second interview for awhile now. I really want the job, but the longer I wait, the more discouraged I’m becoming. I’m in this limbo of having to continue going to a job I hate every day (last seven days straight) and starting to apply for more jobs I probably won’t get. How much more rejection can I take?

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